“The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.” ~Albert Einstein
We create heuristics to help us make sense of the world. It’s a shortcut. A way of easily putting things in buckets so that we can move on to other things. But that can also cause us to have to go back and re-think why things are the way they are in our minds. So, is that the most efficient way of getting things done?
Let’s take meeting a person for the first time as an example. Before a word is spoken there are judgements made.
• What are they wearing (fashion-sense, proper fit, clashing colors, ethnic)?
• Are they tall or short (if they are significantly different from “normal height” what was it like for them to be tall or short)?
• Are they overweight or skinny (do they have a self-control problem, are they vegetarian, do they work out a lot, take care of themselves, etc.)?
Then we talk with them and either re-enforce our initial impressions or maybe start to have other impressions.
• Are they educated?
• Do they have an accent?
• Are they like someone else that we know?
It may take some time for us to get to know them and determine if we like them, do we have common interests, etc. We may iterate on the above several times and move them into different boxes as we continue to learn more.
Now consider that what happened to you previously (either earlier in the day or your life) and how that shapes your attitude going into the conversation. One little thing may change your overall impression right from the start. (They are wearing a Yankees hat. That will cause some sort of immediate reaction either positive or negative.)
You can see how complicated this can get. As we all get older and have more and more life experiences, we become even more complicated. People that we thought we liked several years ago, we suddenly find out that we don’t share the same view on some hotly debated topic, for instance. What does that do to the relationship?
Professor Robin Dunbar’s research has shown that humans can maintain around 150 relationships and around 5 close relationships. So just imagine the number of “topic” areas and the number of positions that can be held on a topic (because there are usually more than 2) and then figure out for the 150 relationships you have, what are the chances that you actually agree with anyone on everything?
We quickly get to recognize that we probably don’t agree with anyone 100% of the time. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But you can see where this can cause friction in a relationship. And, since a lot of us (me included) are conflict avoidant, how we can have some hidden or repressed resentment.
While we have these heuristics to help us, I am proposing that we step back a bit and slow down to process things more effectively rather than efficiently. To do that we need to:
• Determine which battles we want to fight – Just because someone is a Yankees fan doesn’t make them a bad person (really!)
• Be open to rethinking our own stance on issues – We only know a small portion of what there is to know of many of the issues of life. Taking time to listen to someone else’s ideas may give us additional information that would change our position if we let them.
• Seek out opposing viewpoints – This is similar to the item above, but sometimes we have to actively search out other perspectives and not just hope they come our way.
• Try something new – Make it a goal to try at least 1 new thing. You can do 1 new thing a week or a month, whatever suits you. But either gaining insight as to what it takes to do that can give you an appreciation for those that do it consistently or professionally.
• Take time to think and rethink – Avoiding distractions to give your mind time to process all of the inputs is essential. Set aside time to write down your thoughts on a topic and send it to yourself a year in the future (there are ways of doing that in Gmail or Outlook) and see if your thoughts have changed over the time period.
• Put time on your calendar to learn something new each week – If it’s scheduled, you have to do it right?
We all have a lot to learn. Learning comes from finding that things aren’t as easy as they look. You need to have a bit of struggle to deeply understand a concept, an idea, or to get really good at something.
